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Expectations Mismatch

Published by Priyanka on

It sucks when someone you like doesn’t like you back. But turns out it also sucks to be liked by people who you’d never like back. Someone asked me on Quora why only ugly women send him interests on a matrimonial platform despite being handsome. So here’s what I said…

Without commenting much on beauty or it’s standards, I’ll just go ahead and answer your question.

  • Men and women think differently – while there are several exceptions to everything, generally speaking, most men value external beauty in their partners, and measure their success based on their ability to land a physically attractive partner. Historically, women brought the looks (for the progeny), and men brought the monies. Hence, most women continue to value a man’s ability to earn an income or succeed professionally. A lot of women gloat about how rich/ successful their partner is, and not so much about how good he looks. Whether this is social conditioning or evolution, I don’t know. There are surveys conducted by dating apps that validate this theory.
  • We all lack empathy – it’s hard for men to acknowledge the fact that women don’t want the same things in their partners as men do, and vice versa. What this means is – As a man, just because you value physical beauty in a partner, doesn’t mean women value the same thing in you. Similarly, women find it hard to acknowledge that just because women might value education/ professional success, doesn’t mean that all men value that in women.
  • Marriage of equals – arranged marriages have got us accustomed to viewing matches based on attributes, and how they tally to make a match. If you are handsome, you think pretty is a match for you. If you are rich, then similarly rich is a match for you. But that’s not what makes relationships. Relationships are based on mutual respect. Equality lies in the amount of respect, affection and commitment you have to build a relationship with another, it is not equality of beauty or money or anything else, although we like think it is.

So, in short, it’s good to start thinking about who you are, what you bring to the relationship and who would value that. Because the marriage market is two-sided, and it’s not just about you. So aligning expectations accordingly will serve you best.

This post was originally published on Quora here.