Eons ago, I was out clubbing with some friends and I saw this boy, who was swaying to some metal, with his eyes closed. He was carelessly holding a beer bottle in one hand, and carried this non-challance that was so attractive. That was his signal (besides the fact that he had a fancy degree from a fancy school, which I already knew about). Unfortunately, given how online the world is and how little opportunity most of us have at emitting such “signals”, we have to make do with an attractive “profile”, because that’s the only signal you can emit these days. It’s pretty your only shot at getting anyone’s attention at all, online.
Depending on what app/ site you are on, you could either be a “naughty boy” or “boy with no habits”. But deep down, who are you, really? Do you know who you are as a partner, in a relationship? Do you know what type of a partner really suits you? How do you leverage your matrimonial profile to attract the right partner? I have a few tips here to help write up a simple matrimonial profile that can help build a meaningful relationship:
Step 1: What matters to you about you?
Even before you get to the “I want a liberal but homely girl or a boy with MS from US” type of wishlist, make a list of all the things that matter to you about you. Whether you care about being in the market or not, do this little exercise the moment you get the slightest clue that you’ve been put in the market by parents, grandparents or random aunty on your street. Make a list of top 10 things someone who’ll live with you must be aware of about you. For instance, a list could look like this:
- I have to start my morning with a peaceful cup of coffee
- I love my family, which means sometimes I will do things I hate, just for their sake
- I like to discuss all disagreements till finish, and don’t like to leave things hanging
- I watch absolute trash on TV, and I love it, so I won’t stand any judgements on that
- I am a cleanliness freak, bordering on OCD which means I will assassinate anyone who messes with my order at home…
…the list could go on, doesn’t really have to be just 10 things, but at least 10.
Step 2: What matters to you about you, today? and in 10 years?
Once you have the above list, ask yourself if each of these things would matter even after 10 years of being with someone. If not, get rid of it from the list. This leaves you with the absolute list of things that matter to you about you.
Step 3: Love is not blind, its about all the faults you don’t mind.
Now that we are done with ourselves, let’s move on to what we want/ don’t want in a partner.
- Make a list of top 3 things that you absolutely cannot compromise on in a partner. For each of these, justify it with why it is so important. Again, check whether this matters now, or will matter forever. Through this process, you will figure out if something is a frivolous wish or truly important to you.
- Next, make a list of the things you will absolutely not tolerate from the other person – it could be anger, dishonesty, lack of interest in learning, etc. and justify this with reasons for not wanting to put up with.
A combination of the two will tell provide you with a great framework to choose a partner.
Step 4: Choose your primary channel
Once you’ve arrived at this step, you’ll be fairly clear which app/ site you are most likely to find your partner. If it’s Bharatmatrimony, then start here in terms of filling your profile. The registration starts with a bunch of very objective questions about your height, weight, caste, education, salary and what not. Don’t be dejected by the fact that Bharatmatrimony asks for this information where-as tinder doesn’t. All these sites/ apps are trying their best to objectify a highly irrational decision, nothing more. So, provide information that matters to you. If you don’t care about religion or caste, you can choose any, and move on. Towards the end of the registration process, you will be asked to write about you. This is where you should write a crisp bio about you based on your learnings from Step 2.
Step 5: Diversify your portfolio
Once you have filled out your profile on one app/ site, you should consider listing yourself on all others. Remember, while these channels outwardly signal “who you are” to someone who finds you on one of these apps/ sites, if you have written your bio loud and clear, I am sure there’s no reason for anyone to be confused about who you are irrespective of the channel you have chosen. The key here is that your profile should be coherent with the one on your primary channel. You cannot be a “homely girl with no habits” on one, and “a feminazzi” on the other. This only means you either have biopolar disorder or your account is hacked (by your parents!!). Most of the time, there is a large enough overlap across these apps/ sites, but you want to address the tail cases, because that’s where you find love.
Step 6: Stay alive
Once you have made your profile, use your learnings from Step 3 to choose potential partners. Make contact, make conversation and make progress (either way!). Don’t die on people. Don’t overdo the process for one month and then hibernate for six, atleast not on your primary channel. You’ll only be older (not just by age) but even as a profile. This too signals something, trust me, it ain’t a great signal. Now, I understand if you’ve not liked anyone you spoke to or no one responded, and this disheartened you and made you jump off the app. But that’s when you should seek help – either from family, friends or Marriage Broker Auntie. It’s quite easy to fix any issues 6-12 months into the process. But beyond that, the only thing you’ll be doing is massaging your frustrations. So, stay alive.
Step 7: Close the deal
You won’t believe this, but most people in the world today are pathetic at closing the deal. I have heard all sorts of rubbish reasons like I am busy at work, or I have other priorities in life or I am changing my job and what not for people not making the effort to close the deal. Believe me, staying married is more work than getting married. So, if your professional life is stalling you from choosing a partner, I can’t imagine what your job would do to your marriage. So, quit giving yourself excuses and figure out how to manage all your priorities in life. Close the deal when you need to, not when you “find time”.
Step 8: Stay married
This needs a whole other blogpost. But if you’ve got till here, well done. You are half way there.
Having said all of this, it’s much easier said than done. So, I hear you. It takes discipline to truly follow this and keep at it till you have succeeded. Once you have done your bit, trust the universe a little bit to do its magic. If not, there’s always Marriage Broker Auntie’s Market Strategy service for help. 😀