Date faux pas (women)
When I wrote about faux pas by men in the arranged marriage market earlier this month, I had promised to write a similar piece about women and so here it is..
1. Looks matter
According to a survey by a popular dating site in India, the No.1 (and only) thing that matters to men is looks. This is quite different from the results of the survey amongst women. This could be one of the reasons women find it hard to appreciate why men are so hung up on looks. In any case, if you are in the market for a male partner, chances are you’ll need to make an attempt to “look good” if you’d like to find any success. Whether that means staying fit, dressing well, loving your appearance as is, it doesn’t matter. But when you are confident in your skin, it shows. Seems too superficial? Maybe. But that’s the true.
2. Social conditioning vs Feminism
Everybody wants a prince charming! Women are conditioned to want a prince charming because most romantic novels, movies, etc. are all written from a woman’s perspective often overdoing characterisation of the man and how that makes the woman feel, that very little is said about the woman or how she makes the man feel. But if there was ever a book written about how men feel and the type of women they like, it obviously touches our oversensitive feminist nerves. So, while we all want a prince charming, have you wondered maybe he doesn’t want us?
3. Sitting on your ass, waiting to be pursued
Women love to be chased as it fulfils their ever increasing need for attention. Men usually have a lot of time and energy to pursue beautiful (inside and out) women. But, this energy might wear out when it has to be used for a woman who is potentially going to nag them for the rest of their married lives. So given that this energy is limited, they like to optimise it for women who truly 100% cater to their needs as a wife. So, if you want to sit back and be pursued in the arranged marriage market, you will have to wait a very long time for a man who thinks you are his 100% better half. There’s a chance it may never happen, so you might want to re-consider sitting on your ass waiting for your chasing hunk.
4. Confusing love for logistics
We can’t make up our mind about whether we want a love marriage or an arranged marriage. So, while we want to indulge in a dreamy/ surreal conversation about life, art and nothingness that assures us that we are with that perfect man, we even want to discuss how slowly or quickly we want to take this relationship forward or find out how often the in-laws are going to visit, all in the same conversation. Now, how is a logistical conversation like this ever going to make you fall in love?
5. Championing equality
Women increasingly want an equal relationship today and it’s about time they did. It may be somewhat difficult to recruit a husband if you were to mail him a copy of all the household chores you’d like to share as meeting documentation prior to your first meeting. While looking for a partner who shares the same philosophy about equality is important, we must not forget to acknowledge that for thousands of years, our society has conditioned women to lead the proceedings at home and men to expect that and so, men don’t exist in such packages. So, instead of championing equality and losing the chance of being with a man who could be enlightened to co-champion equality, maybe you could tactfully find out how mouldable he is?
6. Talking money
Men don’t like discussing money. So, don’t ask him how much he makes. Not even because you want to make sure you make less than him so you don’t end up making him insecure. While it’s true that most men are threatened by more successful women, it’s only when the difference is too stark, which is not hard to figure out in the arranged marriage market just based on qualification, job, etc. If it’s so important to you, you should meet men who actually flaunt their wealth and deal with the repercussions that come with a man who can’t keep it in his pockets.
7. Always expecting the man to pay
Some men offer to pay on a date out of chivalry, but really they don’t have to. But if you think about it, it’s rather odd to not go dutch when you are meeting a stranger. So, acknowledge this gesture and offer to pay the next time in case he insists on taking this one. You think we women are the only ones who judge men as being cheap? No, men judge us too. Check this out.
8. Talking about your past too soon
Most people have one or more past relationships nowadays by the time they enter the market and it’s okay. Most men don’t want to know too many details about a woman’s past because it’s not very romantic you know. And if you meet a man who does, RUN!
9. Stop comparing them with your ex
While shopping, women have a habit of looking back and wondering if the previous store offered a better bargain. This doesn’t end with shopping. They do this with men as well. In retrospect, the ex is somehow always either more chivalrous or more social or is better educated or is richer or was a better kisser and so on. If you are in the market to find a spouse, it’s because you couldn’t make it work with your ex. So, move on.
10. Don’t do a Ringroad Shubha
If you’re in love with someone else, don’t enter the market. Period.
So, that was my top 10 list of faux pas that women commit in the arranged marriage process, based on stories that I have heard from men in the market. If you have more such stories, do share them with us here.
P.S. – Stereotyping is only useful when you don’t have enough information, and can only form the base layer of your assessment of something. It’s important to remember that every person is unique, every situation is unique and so, it’s important that you take the time to learn beyond these trends while focusing on the person you meet.