Margin for error
We are the Tinder generation.
Relentless swiping makes us believe that we have infinite chances at great relationships. But the truth is far from it. Could this be one of the many reasons why divorce rates have sky rocketed more recently? It’s hard to make a relationship work when you can constantly see an exit door with hoards of nearly perfect soulmates waiting right behind them.
It’s easier to quit our existing relationships, and believe that we could find a better one elsewhere. While it’s easy to get a divorce these days, it’s not much easier to find another partner and it only gets harder if you haven’t learnt much from your previous relationship. If you choose to be single vs being with someone toxic, that’s probably for the best. But if you choose finding someone new over your existing partner, I’d caution you to not be fooled by stories of outliers that people tell you in support of your decision to break away. The world is a lot less empathetic and less forgiving than you imagine it to be.
Recently, I spoke to a guy in his mid-thirties who was looking for a bride and he sounded like a genuinely nice person. Towards the end of our conversation, he said he wasn’t sure if it was relevant but mentioned very matter of factly that he had been engaged briefly last year. While it was quite relevant, I just said “Okay, that’s fine but make sure you mention this to the girl I introduce you to.” I am not sure if he did or not but things didn’t work out with the girl for more trivial logistical reasons and so I suggested another girl I thought would be better suited except this girl was married briefly several years ago.
I thought he’d at least consider talking to the girl given he’s been in a somewhat similar situation but he bluntly told me that “they” are only looking for unmarried alliances and he also went on to tell me how being engaged is very different from being married since he only broke it off due to incompatibility issues even though he knew nothing about why this girl ended her marriage.
While I understood where he was coming from, I couldn’t understand where empathy had lost its way. While I should have been brooding over his hypocrisy, I was plain thankful that he at least responded to me instead of deciding to be aghast at such a suggestion and going MIA (believe me, I’ve met people who’ve done this and I can never understand why communication is so hard even for adults).
I have been accused in the past of introducing my clients to people within my database just because they are sitting on it rather than because someone exactly matches their requirements, but what they don’t understand is that I have no incentive to do so (I don’t make money out of matchmaking) and if I ever introduced them to someone, it’s because I really wanted to since I saw some shared interest.
If this wasn’t reason enough for people to look beyond things that are apparent such as being divorced, currently unemployed, fat, short or whatever, I doubt anyone can ever help such people. These are the sort of people who make the market such a ruthless place hardly leaving any margin for error and ensuring an illusion of a perfect match and a perfect marriage.