I recently came across this article and realised how much I can empathise with the author. It’s frustrating as hell when you grow up being conditioned by the society to want certain things in our lives, be it jobs, friends, married lives or children and when things don’t follow suit (for whatever reason!), we build some sort of a defence mechanism to rebel, fight and convince ourselves to not want these things. It certainly did’t happen to me with marriage because I got married even before I could spell married but there are so many times when I’ve gone from thinking life has to be a certain way to questioning why it has to be that way – be it with education, jobs or children. So, I hear this girl loud and clear and I’m with her 100%. Nobody HAS to get married, whether you’re a man or a woman. But if you WANT to, I’m here to help.
With women, people are beginning to be more accepting (if not encouraging) of them wanting to pursue a career over the regular child rearing route but it’s not the case with men yet. So, there’s probably a very similar story from a guy’s perspective as well, but I haven’t heard it yet. It’s not very often that men get very candid about the type of women they want to marry, but I had the fortune of listening to the thoughts of a friend who’s been encouraging me to turn my matchmaking hobby into a profession. When I mentioned to him that I’ve had more luck signing on women than men, he shared with me a template that most men use to evaluate women from a long term gene propagating viewpoint. I found this framework incredibly insightful and even though most women would hate to hear/ accept this, in my humble opinion, it cannot get more precise and on the dot than this –
- Looks are important. Looks can mean a lot of different things to different men – it could be a pretty face, great figure, toned body or just even general sense of dressing etc. Most men think they take good care of themselves by either going to the gym or spending a lot of money on clothes and hence, they think they deserve to care about the looks of their partner.
- Comfort with feminism. The spectrum ranges from lukewarm to militant feminism and most men prefer to deal with a pinch of it at the most. Men fancy bold, independent women who have a great social life and fantastic career until the responsibilities of a family kick in at which point, they’d very much appreciate a partner who would take the lead on managing the home. Now this would make most women sick in the pit of their bellies but there’s no way for me to console anyone including myself because our bodies, minds and societies have been designed for women to be primary child bearers and rearers. I don’t believe this is impossible to change (if anyone wants to) but this comes with a huge trade-off, much like anything else in life and the choice to make this trade off is entirely personal.
- Flexibility with career. Much like women, men also want partners who’d be willing to support and accommodate their career and lifestyle choices. If the guy wants to be a nomad/ adrenaline rush seeker, he’d want to be with a woman who’d readily pack her bags and jump on a jet plane as well. This doesn’t mean the woman needs to be a housewife like in yesteryears but she must be non-risk averse enough to leave her life in one city and pick it up in another without too many tantrums.
Agreed, this isn’t pretty to hear given that I’m a woman, but it is what it is. But mind you, these are all wants. Wants, much like the kind of wants, we women folk have. So, don’t you dare get all judgemental now. It’s not like I’ve opened a pandora box of fresh information but you are free to feel gratified by re-affirmation through this post. If your man is an exception (or atleast if you believe he is), good for you. But, men are like this only. You should be with a man only if you can make peace with these wants or strike a good trade deal, but not because you want to change him (Well, it’s not possible to do that, trust me!). This is a result of thousands of years of social conditioning.
Honestly, if you think you can’t make your peace with it, you DON’T HAVE TO get married. Nobody can impose it on you (not your parents, not the random auntie like me or the society!) and it’s up to you to protect your faith since it’s a personal choice. As Priyanka Dubey says, there are always 1000 reasons to not get married, I’m sure you can find yours.