Have you ever been in a serious relationship?
Then you probably know that break-ups with no real closure is what makes most break-ups hard to cope with. You’re neither in them nor over them. This usually happens when one person dumps the other but the whole break-up ‘appears’ to be based on mutual consent.
The truth is – we don’t know how to deal with rejection, especially when it’s subtle. When we’re invested so heavily in a relationship, the least we expect is a chance to know why the relationship ended. Having this question un-answered leaves the relationship in a state of suspended animation. The people involved lug the baggage of pain and confusion far into the future.
When such people enter the marriage market, I usually know that they aren’t ready. But as a matchmaker, it’s not my place to tell them so. Not surprisingly, they are unable to take things forward with anyone that I match them with. While I know exactly why they’re unable to do so, they concoct excuses to rationalise their decisions. I wish people were more honest, at least to themselves.
People keep hoping that their pain will subside when they meet the “right one” who can heal them. While people generally shop around for partners, and there could be many reasons for that, I personally think that it’s not fair for anyone to expect others to deal with their personal baggage. There are many people who’ve never been in love or experienced the pain of having ended it, so why should they deal with someone else’s baggage? There are also many people who’ve been hurt in love, but have spent years processing the pain and have re-entered the marriage market only when they’re ready to love another chance – it’s not fair to them.
So when I meet people who rejected proposals for no apparent reason, it’s usually either because they prefer human catalogues or because they’re still hurting from a broken relationship. In case of the latter, I know that they’ll never be able to give me appropriate feedback, which further decreases their chances of finding “the one” who can heal them.
Personally, the single biggest reason for failed matches in my practice over the last couples of months has been due to people who’ve lugged massive baggages from their past relationships, but can’t seem to acknowledge that. If there are so many people constantly convincing themselves that they’re sailing forward even before pulling the anchor up, are relationships with no real closure the new age social epidemic?